Emerson Leese
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An extract from They Look So Pretty at the Beginning
He stood up to piss before bed and the phone rang. It was Rachel.
“The washing machine's exploded! Fucking hell, the washing machine has Goddamn detonated!”
George sat back down.
“Well,” said Rachel, “what you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it?”
“Have you phoned a plumber?”
“Do you think I’m stupid? You do, don’t you? You think I’m a fucking idiot. Of course I’ve phoned a plumber! Some miserable bitch told me that her husband only works during the day and I said whoopie-fucking-doo for people with washing machines that only explode during the day.”
More swearing followed; the occasional scream. During the first five seconds of silence, George spoke.
“Do you want me to come over?”
“Do I want you to come over? Of course not! I just thought that I’d phone up for some sympathy until The Samaritans get back to me.”
“Okay, I’ll come over. Do you know where the stopcock is?”
A mumbled reply.
“What? I can’t hear you.”
“No, I do not know where the stopcock is! If I knew where the stopcock was I’d find it and ask it what the fuck it did!”
“Look, calm down. I said that I was coming over didn’t I? A stopcock’s a valve that turns off the water supply. It’ll be in the kitchen somewhere, probably under the sink. It looks like a tap.”
“It better do.”
She dropped the phone and went to look. He kept listening and could hear her muttering as she walked around her house in search of the valve.
“You arsehole! The kitchen’s flooded! How am I supposed to find anything in here when there’s three inches of water? You sent me in here on purpose didn’t you? Answer me will you?” Her voice got louder as she returned to the living room and picked up the phone. “Why didn’t you answer me? I’ve found the stopclock!”
“Stopcock.”
“What?”
“Stopcock. It’s called a stopcock.”
“Well, I’ve found it.”
“Good. Now turn it off.”
She dropped the receiver again and her voice faded to a violent whisper as she headed back to the kitchen.
“For fuck’s sake! Why couldn’t you tell me that I had to turn it off first time round? Making me come wading back into the Dead Sea. There, I’ve turned it off and the floor's still covered in water. Some help you are. I need a drink.”